“Just so we’re all clear, during a historic pandemic that has crippled the economy, the president of the United States signed four executive orders to help the unemployed from his private country club. Even Marie Antoinette was like, ‘Come on, man, read the room.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Also, nothing says ‘man of the people’ like doing a press conference at your $350,000-a-year private golf club.” — SETH MEYERS
“Trump also signed other executive orders including a payroll tax holiday, student-loan relief and eviction moratorium. Of course he wants that — come January, everyone in his family might need it.” — SETH MEYERS
“That’s not how it works. For one thing, only Congress can appropriate money. For another, this isn’t one of your businesses. You can’t just move money around to cover your losses. [As Trump] ‘I got it. We’re just gonna move money from the tax fund, to the casino fund, to the hotel fund, to the slush fund, to the porn star fund. Boom, done.’” — SETH MEYERS
“And don’t get me wrong — some of these ideas that Trump proposed are actually good ones. I mean, suspending student-loan payments makes a lot of sense right now, and banning evictions is a great idea, even though I’m pretty sure that Trump only wants that because he thinks it means that he can’t get kicked out of the White House.” — TREVOR NOAH